


The Hardest Part Of This

by GameCake



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: M/M, Sad, Stiles Stilinski Has Cancer, a little fluffy I guess, but hopeful ending, but mostly sad, i nearly cried writing it, really sad, sick!stiles, writer was listening to 'cancer' cover by twenty one pilots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-15 17:32:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8066161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GameCake/pseuds/GameCake
Summary: Stiles kept throwing up and he was almost never truly aware of his surroundings. He knew someone was holding his hand, he knew people were around, but he could never bring himself to actually wake up.He was cold. Too cold.He was tired. So tired.He didn’t want to give up. He didn’t want to leave his family behind. He wanted to be with them just a little more.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry in advance 1) for the sadness 2) for any mistakes, this is un-beta'd.
> 
> I was listening to "Cancer" by Twenty One Pilots and somehow I ended up writing this because I had too many feels to prevent it. :(
> 
> Listen while reading, if you are looking for a good cry. [Cancer - Twenty One Pilots](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yw6i1SAHetc)

Stiles stared at the empty white wall opposite his bed. It was a while since he had woken up. There was not much he could do in the hospital room. His dad had dropped off his phone and several video games a while ago, but he didn’t have enough strength anymore to actually use any of those. His bones felt too heavy and moving took too much out of him. He was useless, helpless in the cold room. Or at least it looked cold to him, despite the amount of blankets they had put on him.

 

He hated it. He hated the room, the bed, the white walls, the pitying looks, the sad faces, the doctors. He hated his illness. The cancer that worked itself in his body. The chemotherapy. The agony that he was under when he was not on painkillers. The fact that all his hair had abandoned all his body. The paleness of his skin. His weak body and his chapped lips. The _cold._

 

But most of all, most he hated the fact that he was leaving everyone else behind.

 

His dad, the man that already lost his wife due to cancer. The man that rose him by giving him everything he could offer. Stiles knew that his disease was not killing only him, but his dad too. How could his dad live when Stiles body gives up? Who would remind him to take it easy? Who would remind him to stick to healthy food? Who would stop him from drinking?

 

And what about his friends? His _pack_? What about his best friend? His _brother._ Who would look out for Scott? Who would prevent him from doing stupid things? Who would help him chose which ring he should buy for Kira? Will Stiles still be alive when Kira says yes? When they have kids? When Lydia gets her Fields Metal? Will he be _there_?

 

What about when Liam and Mason graduate from their college? Or when Malia finally opens the bakery?

 

Will he be there? Will he be there when they are happy? When they are sad? When they need him?

 

But what about Derek? Derek already needs him. The man has seen so much bad in the world, so many bad experiences, so many bad relationships. How can Stiles do that to him? Stiles was supposed to love him. He was supposed to show him that he deserves love, affection and the best in the world. Stiles had planned on a life with him. He was sure Derek had too, because he saw his eyes lingering on a display of marriage rings when they last went for a walk. Before Stiles got bad.

 

Stiles’s eyes burned with the need to let tears. He was tired. He didn’t want to give up, but at this point, it was really difficult. Especially since the pack was losing hope. At first, they thought they could heal him, that at least the bite could, but Deaton said it was too late, that his body was too weak to accept the bite, the cancer had already proceeded too much. Lydia swore she would read all the magic books, if she had to, to find _something_ to help him. But Lydia was losing hope too. And the chemotherapy seemed to work less and less. It only made him soggy and tired.

 

He sighed and closed his eyes.

 

 

 

He knew he wasn’t getting better, no, he was getting worse with each passing second. He also knew that it was killing his family. Melissa turned more and more worried when his sarcastic remarks diminished and his doctor kept talking lowly to his dad, even though Stiles was an adult and he could handle whatever it was that the doctor said.

 

He knew Derek was already mourning him from the weird sensation of tears on his hand when he woke up. Derek was always there when he was allowed. He would clench Stiles’s hand all night long while resting his head on Stiles’s weak thigh. He would cry when he thought Stiles was asleep.

 

One time he asked him about it. Asked him why he was crying. Derek had looked at his eyes and had truthfully said “Because I’m losing you.”

 

And those five words hurt Stiles more than the cancer. “I’m sorry,” he had said honestly teary-eyed without breaking eye contact. “I’m sorry, I don’t want you to be sad.”

 

“Stiles,” Derek had gasped like it pained him.

 

“When I-“ Stiles had started but stopped to cough a little. “When I’m not here anymore, do you promise me to smile?”

 

“Don’t think like that.” Derek pleaded and cupped his face with his free hand. “Please.”

 

“I just want you to be happy. I’m sorry I am making you sad.”

 

“Hey no,” Derek had said and smiled away some tears. “You could only ever make me happy.”

 

Stiles had frowned at that. The conversation was too soon after his latest chemo, so his head felt heavy and he couldn’t process any information fast enough. “This is not happy. You deserve to be happy. Smiling. Please be happy.”

 

Derek had let a sob and drew him into a gentle hug. “I love you.” He had whispered.

 

Stiles had heard him. But also Derek’s hug was warm and safe and he had fallen asleep again before he could answer.

 

 

Stiles used to count the days. He didn’t want to leave without a goodbye, and he wanted to be sure. But after a while, he lost track. His body was rapidly giving up and he was more asleep than awake.

 

One day he woke up early in the morning with Derek’s head on his shoulder. He swore he hadn’t seen anything more beautiful up until that day. Derek’s beauty never seized to cause his heart to swell, so he raised a weak clumsy hand to stroke his hair, glad he still had the chance to enjoy this.

 

“I’m sorry.” He said aloud.  “I love you.”

 

Derek had stiffened then, Stiles’s words waking him up. His beautiful eyes met Stiles’s, and Stiles refuted his earlier comment. No, Derek’s eyes were the most beautiful thing.

 

“I wanted you to know.” He whispered.

 

“What are you sorry about?”

 

“I’m sorry I won’t be alive to see you happy again. I’m sorry I won’t be alive to see you become a father.” Stiles admitted.

 

“Stiles-“ was all Derek was able to utter.

 

“I wanted us to be a family. I still do. But, please, Derek, promise me you will be happy again. Tell me you will find someone to make you laugh, someone to give you what you deserve.” Stiles asked with a gentle smile.

Derek didn’t reply for several seconds so Stiles spoke up again.

 

“And please, take care of my dad. Make sure he doesn’t drink too much and that he eats healthy. For me, okay? And- please- tell Scott to propose to Kira properly. Tell him to go to the restaurant they used to go when we were still in high school. Tell him to kneel and be romantic. Tell him- tell him that I am happy for him.”

 

Derek silently kissed Stiles’s forehead as a reply and then moved back to reach for his jacket. “I wanted to do this for a while, but the moment was never right.” Derek said quietly and placed something in Stiles’s open palm.

 

Stiles was too slow to inspect the object but when he registered what it was he was startled. It was a ring. It wasn't anything too much, silver ring with a small circle with a subtle triskele. His wide bloodshot eyes searched for Derek’s holding confusion.

 

“My mum-“ Derek had sighed. “My mum had lost her ring a week before the fire. Turns out it was in the garden, next to our hammock. Laura found it and she gave it to me, to keep it safe.” Derek took a deep breath, and moved the ring so it could circle Stiles’s bony finger. “I want you to have it. I wanted to propose to you with it and-“ he stopped to shallow thickly. “If you get better, I want you to marry me. I want to be with you, to have our little happy family.”

 

Stiles’s eyes rimmed with tears, his vision getting blurry. “I would kiss you. But that could mean goodbye and I don’t want to leave you.” Twin tears slipped down Stiles’s hollow cheeks. “Thank you. I’m sorry.”

 

“Why are you sorry now?”

 

“I wanted this to be the happiest day of your life, I’m sorry I’m sick and I look awful, I’m sorry I can’t give that to you.” He declared and chewed on his chapped lips.

 

“No, baby, don’t be like that, please.” Derek cried. “To me, you are always beautiful. Even like this. I am sorry I can’t help you.”

 

Stiles ended up crying to sleep.

 

 

 

The week after that was even worse. Stiles kept throwing up and he was almost never truly aware of his surroundings. He knew some was holding his hand, he knew people were around, but he could never bring himself to actually wake up.

 

He was cold. Too cold.

 

He was tired. So tired.

 

He didn’t want to give up. He didn’t want to leave his family behind. He wanted to be with them _just a little more_.

 

But he knew this was more painful for them than him. He wasn’t able to do much and that was okay, but he remembered how his mum had looked at that point. He knew there was no going back now. He couldn’t survive his illness. The cancer had the upper hand and he could do nothing about it.

 

But he wanted to be aware again once again. He wanted to say goodbye. He wanted to hug his dad one last time. He wanted to kiss Derek. He wanted to punch Scott’s shoulder playfully. He wanted to smile at Lydia. He wanted Malia to ruffle his hair. He wanted to hear Kira’s goofy laugh one last time.

 

But he wasn’t confident that he will open his eyes again.

 

He guesses that up until that moment, that this is the hardest part.

 

The hardest part is leaving them.

 

 

 

 

Stiles was unsure how it happened, but suddenly, the absolute blackness filtered pain wasn’t the only thing he was aware anymore. His body still ached, but his mind was active again.

 

He opened his eyes slowly to get used to the harsh light and he took in his surroundings.

 

Everything was mostly white. But familiar white. He had to blink a few times to remember.

 

He was in a blanket cocoon on his hospital bed. The light snoring that came from his left was his father, while the weight on his legs was Derek’s head. Otherwise, the room was empty.

 

He smiled at the familiarity. He didn’t know what this is, but he was feeling better than he had in what seemed a long time.

 

Was he alive?

 

The beeping of his heart monitor said yes. But why was he living? He was supposed to leave. He remembers floating away. But here he is.

 

He decided that it didn’t matter. His body was only aching and his family was in the room so he was okay with it.

 

He tried to shift his hand to rub his fingers over where he knew the ring Derek gave him was, but his movement startled Derek’s sleeping form. Derek’s eyes fluttered open and he stared at the once again motionless hand before him, before his eyes followed Stiles’s body to his face.

 

His eyes widened comically when he realized that Stiles was gazing back to him. He took several seconds to process it, before he was standing up and embracing him softly, to not startle his fragile body too much. “Oh my god!” he muttered and the commission seemed to wake up the Sheriff too.

 

Derek broke the hug soon to allow the ecstatic Sheriff to hug his son.

 

“What happened?” Stiles asked.

 

“You were dying, but Lydia found a way. You are alive.” Derek said and it was enough.

 

Stiles wasn’t leaving them, Stiles was alive, the cancer was gone. Or at least diminishing.

 

“I love you.” Derek said and Stiles weakly rose his hands to cup Derek’s face to kiss him properly for the first time in what seemed like years.

 

This wasn’t goodbye. It was a promise.

 

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

>  [Tumblr](http://lizapatritsia.tumblr.com/)


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